Back to Work and Glad About It!

In common with much of the rest of Scotland, today was my first day at work this year. However, unlike many Scots, I was glad to be back at work. After three months off with a bout of "situational depression" it's a real pleasure to feel strong and able enough to begin to get back into the swing of pastoral ministry.

So what did I do on my first day? I prayed some, I read some and I wrote some. I also looked in detail at what my "regular" work pattern used to be. It was quite a shock to see that around 40 hours every week is required simply to fulfil the "bare minimum" of what I believe that I am expected to do. This "bare minimum" makes no allowance for any "abnormal" work like visiting people in hospital (we are a small fellowship so it's not unusual for us all to be fit enough to be at home), preparing special services like weddings, funerals and dedications, taking part in any kind of outreach work and any continuing professional development.

I think some changes are necessary.

Happy New Year!

Why is it that people get so excited about New Year?

I think the answer is that it represents a new beginning. Changing the number of the year from 2009 to 2010 gives us all the opportunity to begin again. We have a whole new, unsullied year in front of us, free from mistakes, disappointments and regrets. No matter what we have done in the previous year, no matter what has happened to us, so far this year is different.

Making sure that this year is different is probably what lies behind the tradition of making New Year's resolutions. Our determination goes so far as to tell ourselves (and other people, if we're brave) how our lives are going to be different in the days, weeks and months that lie ahead. All across the world people have resolved to give up smoking, to take more exercise, to be nicer to their partner, children etc. The evidence of this will be seen all across the blogosphere too.

So what is my New Year's resolution? I haven't made one ...

... again.

It's not that there is nothing that I would like to change in my life. It's that I just don't need the pressure.

Happy New Year!

Health and Safety Guidance on Festive Songs: 3) Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

The HSE has turned its attention to another festive favourite, and has also invited the Equal Opportunities Commission to comment. The victim is:

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows

All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names
They wouldn't let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say,
"Rudolph with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight."

Then all the reindeer loved him.
They shouted out and called with glee,
"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
You'll go down in history."

You are advised that under the "Equal Opportunities for All" policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.

Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence., which breaches the government's stated aim of ending social exclusion. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

With regard to Santa's invitation to guide the sleigh on a foggy night, we are forced to ask whether Mr Reindeer has the required geographical knowledge and adequate training to perform this complex task. Furthermore, as far as we are aware the sleigh referred to is intended to fly. Flying in foggy conditions is especially dangerous. Landing under these conditions is particularly hazardous and requires extra training.

Last, but by no means least, we remind Santa that it is his responsibility to remove any droppings left by Mr R. Reindeer and his colleagues. Failure to comply with this requirement will create a health hazard, and may result in legal proceedings being taken against Santa.

Health and Safety Guidance on Festive Songs: 2) Little Donkey

The next festive song to fall victim to the Health and Safety czars is:

Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
Been a long time, little donkey, through the winters night
Don't give up now, little donkey,
Bethlehem's in sight

Ring out those bells tonight
Bethlehem, Bethlehem
Follow that star tonight
Bethlehem, Bethlehem

Little donkey, little donkey, had a heavy day
Little donkey, carry Mary safely on her way
Little donkey, little donkey, journey's end is near
There are wise men waiting for a sign to bring them here

Do not falter little donkey, there's a star ahead
It will guide you, little donkey, to a cattle shed

Ring out those bells tonight
Bethlehem, Bethlehem
Follow that star tonight
Bethlehem, Bethlehem

Little donkey, little donkey, had a heavy day
Little donkey, carry Mary, safely on her way
Little donkey, carry Mary, safely on her way

Animal welfare organisations have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.

Furthermore, we consider it to be ill-advised to undertake the journey from Nazareth to Bethlehem "on a winter's night." In addition to the well known risks of travelling between Galilee and Judea, there are the additional dangers of travelling in darkness. We strongly advise you to reconsider your travel plans. If the journey must be undertaken during the hours of darkness then we strongly recommend that you ensure adequate illumination is provided at all times. "See and be seen" should be your watch-word.

Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. Also, due to the risk of falling from the donkey, Mary is required to wear a riding helmet conforming to current safety standards. Thought should also be given to protecting the donkey from the harmful effects of dust inhalation.

The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

Finally, we have received advice from medical practitioners that a journey of this length should not be undertaken by a heavily pregnant woman. There is a great risk of harm to both Mary and her unborn child, not least in case of a fall (see above). If the journey must be made, then surely there must be a safer means of transport than riding a donkey. Are you not able to hire a chariot or, better still, a sedan chair?

Health and Safety Guidance on Festive Songs: 1) The Rocking Song

Helen came across a series of spoof Health and Safety responses to various festive songs on a web list she belongs to. They amused me, so I thought I'd post them here, slightly altered - one at a time. For those of you outside the UK, Health and Safety legislation is all the rage here. Basically it involves assessing any activity for inherent risks, and then either banning it completely or doing something equally stupid to comply with the regulations.

Today I present the first of several festive songs to fall victim to this lunacy;

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps microfleece material should be considered as a suitable alternative. In choosing an alternative material, purchasers should be careful only to select only material that is in compliance with current fire safety regulations.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

One Health and Safety Executive officer, who apparently has a life, also commented that the "rocking" referred to in the song may in fact be of a musical nature. He made reference to the contemporary "We Will Rock You" musical, featuring the music of Queen. If this is indeed the "rocking" intended then we must warn prospective "rockers" that loud music can cause permanent damage to the hearing of infants and others. In addition, such "rocking" could be considered a noise nuisance to the occupants of neighbouring dwellings. In these circumstances we will have no alternative but to apply for an Anti Social Behaviour Order (ASBO) to be served on those deemed responsible for creating a disturbance.

Travelling Tuesday: Christmas Lights in Funchal, Madeira

Now that December is here and Advent has begun, its maybe time to start thinking about Christmas. This time in 2005 Helen and I took a week's holiday in Madeira, just after the Christmas lights had been switched on. We found it a bit strange to see trees that were still in leaf adorned with lights, but in Funchal that's normal. Here's a palm tree bearing some very strange fruit!



Madeira is very proud of it's nautical history. It was a stopping off point for Christopher Columbus in 1492, so it's only natural that the Santa Maria formed part of the festive display:



I don't remember seeing Norwegian spruce or Douglas fir trees on Madeira, but that doesn't stop Madeirans from having "traditional" Christmas trees. You just have to build them with lights!



I've got loads of other pictures from Madeira, but I'll save them for another time. It's a beautiful island, well worth a visit if you have the chance.

In Honour of Our Patron Saint

In case anyone has failed to notice, today is St Andrew's Day, the day when Scots celebrate their nationality, and those furth o' Scotland wish they were at home. To honour the occasion BK, over at Learning from Sophie, has invited her blogging friends to post a suitable blog entry to celebrate. Looking over the posts submitted so far, there are posts about all things Scottish, from Irn Bru (our other national drink) to Gregory's Girl and Local Hero (proper Scottish films). However, no one has as yet written about the saint whose day this is!

Andrew was one of the first disciples called by Jesus. In the synoptic Gospels (Matthew, Mark and Luke) we learn that he was a fisherman, the brother of Simon who was called to follow Jesus at the same time. Soon after Jesus also called James and John, the sons of Zebedee. If you read the synoptics, it soon becomes clear that Andrew was overshadowed by the other three, who seem to have formed a kind of inner circle around Jesus.

John's gospel has a slightly different account. Here we find that before Andrew was a disciple of Jesus, he was one of John the Baptist's followers. When John identified Jesus as "the Lamb of God" Andrew left John and began to follow Jesus instead. His first move was to find his brother Simon, tell him what he believed about Jesus, and then bring his brother to meet him. This was the first of many occasions that Andrew introduced people to Jesus:

1) It was Andrew who brought a small boy and his picnic lunch to Jesus, thus enabling the feeding of the 5,000 (John 6:8-9).
2) It was Andrew and Philip who told Jesus about the Greek speaking Jews who wanted to meet him (John 12:22).

For a long time Scotland was known around the world as a nation of people who loved the word of God, i.e. the Bible, and who took it with them wherever they went. In this way Scottish Christians followed in the footsteps of our patron saint by introducing people from all nations and cultures to Jesus. Sadly today many Scottish homes have no Bible in them and in many of those that do it is lost and forgotten. As a nation, we need people to be Andrew for us, to introduce us to Jesus and allow him to change our lives. My prayer is that those of us who are Scottish Christians, or Christians in Scotland, will be used by God to introduce our countrymen and women to Jesus, just as Andrew did.